An Open Letter to Sarah Palin

Dear Sarah:

Please do better, you’re an American.

There’s aren’t any legal “remedies” to free speech, and just because you got David Letterman to buckle down to your tabloid-only style of bullying doesn’t mean the rest of us will. You can’t rewrite the laws to suit your whim any more than you can quit your job and make it look smart. We are not stupid … or at least most of us aren’t stupid.

So, Sarah, it is with the utmost respect and urgency that I ask you … nay, IMPLORE YOU, to read this:

Sarah Palin, on behalf of the thousands who haven’t spoken yet, the thousands who say these words to themselves every day, and the perhaps millions of lovers of free speech and the American way around the globe… allow me (with humility) to speak for all of us something that surely has gone far too long without being said:

Sarah Palin, fuck off.

You see, Sarah, how and what we say isn’t fucking up to you. In fact, as Americans, we get to say what the fuck we like – all day, every day.

There’s no sign-up sheet and we sure as hell don’t have to run it by your half-literate, anti-American ass.

How do you like them apples?

Sucks to be you, doesn’t it.

I’d ask you to read the Bill of Rights or even check with your fellow conservatives about THEIR recent attempts to tell us how we may use free fucking speech… like when Bill O’Reilly got his sorry ass laughed outta court trying to get Al Franken to take “Fair and Balanced” off his book cover because O’Numbnuts thought those words were Fox New’s PROPERTY.

Let me think… what did the judge say in that case say? Oh right. “This is a court of law, it’s satire, dumbasses…

Then I believe he added:

“So, fuck off.”

But hey, knock yourself out. Perhaps you missed that day in Civics class or you got confused because of Todd’s membership to a political party that wants to LEAVE America. Did I mention that was in the past? You know I would add that disclaimer but you know what?

NOW you are catchin’ on.

Fuck off.

And, Sarah, since you guys aren’t leaving our beautiful Union anytime soon, I feel it is my personal duty to teach you about our glorious American Way (and perhaps inspire some of our friends in places like Iran, North Korea, and the Sudan). Don’t worry, you don’t have to do much.

I’m going to ask my fellow Twitterers to use a new “hashtag” called #Palinrumors. I will ask these same folks to come up with the most outrageous stories they can about you, and post them to Twitter (ask your assistant to explain what it is to you); and give, finally, public voice to this clarion call that can join us ALL in PERFECT UNITY:

You guessed it.

Sarah Palin, fuck off.

Don’t worry, we’ll make sure you see them by adding @AKGovSarahPalin. That should be good for at least a few more weeks, right?

And please remember folks, you don’t need to add any sort of disclaimers to your tweets.

This is AMERICA. If I want to say “Sarah Palin had my love child” I can Goddamn well do it, and PROUDLY (I’m pretty sure I used protection back then, but who knows … it’s just an example).

I would urge the Alaskan blogger Shannyn Moore to join me in my simple quest to teach Sarah about our most basic American rights and freedoms by reprinting this on her blog and tweeting whatever she likes to #Palinrumors.

In fact, let’s see what she has said about all this, Sarah, since you have targeted her (for some politically tone-deaf reason known only to you):

“I haven’t defamed the governor, I reported on speculation and rumor in Alaska. … It’s not my rumor; it’s been out there for 10 months and the First Amendment protects me,” she told the paper. “Even if I didn’t say it’s ‘rumors and speculation,’ I’m still protected …”

Sound familiar?

There’s some big word in there, Sarah, so let me make it more clear to you what she is saying.

I’ll paraphrase it into one easy sentence:

Sarah Palin, fuck off.

Now you are getting the hang of it. While you are at it, could you please issue this simple warning to your legal team? … or, more accurately, a request:

Sue me.

No, seriously, I mean it. Do it loudly and publicly. Do me the greatest PR favor anyone has EVER done me … please, PLEASE … PLEASE sue me.

You may fuck off now.

10 responses to “An Open Letter to Sarah Palin

  1. “Actual Malice” is not covered by NYT vs. Sullivan.

    And this, what you’re about to do, is “Actual Malice”. Which is easier to prosecute than “libel” or “slander”.

    Fuck off? No. You first.

  2. Actual malice? You have to be fucking kidding me. What is remotely “malicious” about this? Get bent.

  3. Here’s a link genius:

    Where does it say satire, commentary, etc, is covered by this? It DOESN’T that would be fucking stupid.

    To think for even a minute there is something “actionable” in this post is a fucking joke. It would take a judge or jury a hot minute to see the correct intent here. Nice try at it. Maybe you should move to Saudi Arabia where the laws will suit you better.

  4. Dan are you serious? Quit fucking with people’s rights.

  5. I think he’s forgetting the “reasonable person” principle in these suits. Most likely because he isn’t one. Good thing he didn’t see my suicide jokes from yesterday (shhh).

  6. Gee, Fred Tell us how you really feel!

  7. Some people have NO sense of humor, and they are generally following behind SarahHole sniffing at her droppings to see what they can pick up.

    Cute satire though – very clever and the sentiment is apt.

    All the idiots have gone sue-happy. I have 5 letters for them: SLAPP

    Heh heh

  8. IGMR, I feel…I feel a SONG coming on….”Did youuuu evah knowwwwww that you’re myyyyy heeeeeerrrrrrrrrooooooooooooo?”

    Thank you. This is now my new favorite thing I have ever read in my life.

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